In which I identify what is news

Posted on Updated on

List number one: the list of things that are (or could be) News

Man bites dog, man bites fruit loaf and finds a mouse inside, man bites fruit loaf and finds a tiny dog inside, income tax rises, Nobel prizes, freak tornadoes in Devizes, the storming of embassies, the expulsion of diplomats, new information on the effects of trans-fats, Afghans killing NATO forces, NATO killing Afghan civilians, “honour” killings, military killings, violent killings, generally killings, revolutions and natural disasters (including those in places a long way from here involving people who do not look like me), industrial actions, warring factions (unless said warring exists only on Twitter, in which case, No), changes in levels of homelessness, changes in levels of joblessness, cuts to legal aid, what expenses MPs get paid, whatever Justice Leveson says, what the Hillsborough Independent Panel already said, international politicians who are suddenly dead, the results of major sporting events, legislation requiring working ladies be treated the same as gents, cases of discrimination, unexpected shifts in the wealth of the nation, leaks of chemicals from power stations, also leaks of radiation, rates of sexual assault conviction, the awarding of major prizes for fiction, suicide bombings, other sorts of bombings, welfare benefit reform, health reform, education reform, and other things which aren’t the norm.

List number two: the list of things that are not, never have been, and never will be news

Kate Middleton’s boobies.

So I hope that’s clear. I’m sure there are lots of other things that are or aren’t news. Please add your own suggestions in the comments. Then we can make a definitive list, send it to news editors across the world and never have to sit through reports on what some people who aren’t important or interesting reckon about some random sleazy photos ever ever again. And thus, the world will be a better place.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “In which I identify what is news

    hollyannegetspoetic said:
    September 17, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    That (the first paragraph especially) reads very much like a performance poem, great pace and rhythm to it… Reminds me (in a good way) of something Charlie Brooker did on the 10 O’Clock show a while back. Think it may have been about tabloids. Anyway, I quite agree.

    Like

    John said:
    September 18, 2012 at 7:16 am

    Hey hollyanne I agree with you! That first paragraph reminded me of brookers tabloid rant on 10 oclock live. That is one of my most played youtube clips – it’s class 😎

    Nice blog post. Can we also add pop idol to the list of non-news events. I was horrified about ooooh finger-in-the-air years back when they reported the winner on the 6oclock news! I think boobies definitely warrant more news time than reality/talent shows.

    Like

      hollyannegetspoetic said:
      September 18, 2012 at 10:41 am

      Yay! Thanks John – I’m glad I’m not the only one who remembers that! 🙂

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s